One of the things that pains me greatly is how so many men let their wives run all over them. I’m not saying they should discipline them or “put them in their place”. They should “make allowance for each other’s faults” (Colossians 3:13) and love them (Ephesians 5:25) but not just roll over and put up with it.
It’s popular now for husbands to say the wife is “the boss”. (Although she may be for any number of things that she’s more in touch with than him.) Meaning she’s bossy and that’s the way it is. One message board I participate in uses the acronym SHMBO (She Who Must Be Obeyed). And they let themselves be emasculated. Is this ever part of sacrificial love?
This is exacerbated by TV shows and commercials portraying the husband as the dumb klutz and the wife as the smart one constantly rolling her eyes at him.
I will say that I see this a whole lot less in Christian marriages than outside. But the yeast of the world pervades.
Thankfully I’m blessed with a wife who isn’t like this. But if there were ever times in the past when things might get close to this, I don’t take it seriously and I communicate about it (not that I’m the greatest with communication) as I expect her to do. I wish she would have done more of it when I was too bossy early in our marriage.
What would Paul say now?
How should husbands handle it? My answer would be to not take it too seriously and communicate about it on a short term basis. On a longer term basis, love them and pray for them and try to win them over just as the wife would the husband as the passage below says. There should never be coercion, disciplining (that’s for kids), berating etc. And this from a complementarian, which I may write about in the future if I get brave enough. This post is probably beyond my potential controversy quotient the way it is.
1 Peter 3:1-4
In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over by observing your pure and reverent lives.
Swimming in the wake of empowered women and headless men (1 Cor. 11:3). The two verses you cite remind me of Piper’s section in This Momentary Marriage on forgiving and forbearing. I have incorporated some of those thoughts in my pre-marital guidance material.
I think Paul might tell such men to quit wearing skirts.
Jeff,
Great post, and challenging to me as one inclined toward passivity. I hear egalitarians continually quote: “there is neither male nor female” as a justification for women in leadership, headless marriage, etc. And I ask myself, if that is Paul’s meaning, why does Scripture even bother to address husbands? Why does it give separate instructions to wives? For that matter, why is homosexuality forbidden? One cannot pretend there is no distinction between man and woman simply because “In Christ, there is neither male nor female.” This is a soteriological reference, not a disintegration of God’s original creation.
One cannot credibly argue that Scripture is merely addressing first century cultural roles, either. If the New Testament instructions were only temporary, wouldn’t God have given us transcendent principles in addition to cultural ones?
If I was egalitarian, I would be forced for the sake of consistency to validate homosexuality, cross-dressing, trans-gendering and every other form of non-distinction between the sexes. It seems Scripture only gives us one option: different gender roles based on Biblical admonitions.
I like the way you present a balanced complementarian approach and I’d enjoy reading more from you on this topic – when you get brave enough to do it. In the meantime, egalitarians can feel free to chop MY head off if they want to.
Blessings,
Derek
Great points Derek and many of them are what I’d like to say if I were to make the post longer. Part of what I’m obliquely saying is the culture thing you mentioned. If Paul said things to husbands and wives that was addressed to that culture, why is it assumed that it automatically doesn’t apply to our culture? And is there nothing that applies to our culture?
I think our culture has as many things that need to be addressed as back then and what I mentioned is one of them. And just to reiterate it’s to both husbands and wives equally.
People say that complementarianism promotes abuse. I could argue that egalitarianism promotes bossy wives. But I disagree with both of those premises. (That’s a note to myself for a possible future post.)
Jeff
I accidentally had Ephesians 6:25 instead of 5:25 and none of you (Derek excepted since I corrected it before his comment) let me know!
Jeff
Jeff: Perhaps our “zeal” is lacking!
Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord.
The sluggard craves and gets nothing but the desires of the diligent are fully satisfied.
Jeff